AotP 01 : Dawn of the Not Quite So Dead
by Martha and cats
Summary: Mary Sue Parody, Adventures on the Pun : Episode 01. Please see my fanfic listing for previous episodes.
1. Chapter 1

**Adventures on the Pun : Dawn of the Not-Quite-So-Dead**  
By Martha (and cat)

Creating a theory that said that dimensional travel is possible within fanfics, Dr. Kerowyn Amethyst Dawn Lewellen Sapphire Smith stepped into the magical portal accelerator... and vanished.

Dr. Smith awoke to find herself trapped in other realities, facing new worlds that weren't her own. Running to stay one step ahead of her Author, Dr. Smith now finds herself leaping from Fic to Fic, trying to put right what once went wrong, and hoping that the next leap... will be the leap home.

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Giles felt a headache coming on. A very long, very painful headache. Taking off his glasses, he closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. If only he could wish the headache away. He tested that theory for a moment, but when he cracked open one eye she was still there. He was quite positive other Watchers never had these kinds of problems.

"Who did you say you were again?" There was a slim hope that this time the answer would be something less painful, but as the newcomer struck a pose that hope vanished.

"My name is Dawn, the Vampire Hunter!" The teenager had certainly dressed the part, although he doubted that even Faith would be caught dead in that outfit. Tight black leather pants, a white tank top, black leather jacket, dozens (if not hundreds) of wooden stakes, and enough chrome and zippers to blind an army. It was almost as if the costume designers from Matrix and Tomb Raider had declared war.

More disturbing was the holster for something that looked suspiciously like a double-barreled crossbow that was slung across her back. There were hints of other weaponry, but they seemed almost nebulous, which he wrote off as a side effect of the building migraine. Topping it all off was red hair with scattered silver strands, cut short in a military-esque flat-top, and blazingly green eyes that made him want to run gibbering for the nearest pub. But this was the Hellmouth, and he really wasn't in the mood for gibbering.

"Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but I think you may have misunderstood--"

"You don't understand, I'm here to help Buffy!" The girl thumped the floor with an oddly shaped staff. Giles was relatively positive that she hadn't had the thing a moment ago, but there was a vaguely malevolent glint to the ruby eyes inset in the carved lion's head and he decided it wasn't worth mentioning. He leaned back from the library counter and absently took his glasses off to clean them. He had to be seeing things.

"Buffy already has plenty of help. I hate to be rude, but--"

"Well I don't. I've got plenty of rude to spare today." Buffy dropped her bookbag on one of the empty tables and stalked over, much to her Watcher's relief. "So who the hell are you and why hasn't Snyder thrown you out yet?"

"Personally, I'd rather know where she got that outfit." Xander eyed the newcomer appreciatively as he added his bag to the pile on the table. Then, realizing both Buffy and Willow were now glaring at him, he backpedaled. "What? Teenage male here, slave to the hormones. This is so not my fault."

"My name is Dawn, the Vampire Hunter!" The girl took advantage of the pause in conversation to strike a semi-dramatic pose, the light hitting her silver highlights just so. "I've come to help you battle whatever this week's Evil is."

"Yes, yes, I heard that bit." Buffy turned her post-math-test frustration on the overly cheerful intruder. "Now let's get to the bit where I tell you this isn't a game and to go back to whatever role-playing group you came from." Turning to Giles she dug a half-melted medallion out of her pocket. "I found this under the stone from last night. Any idea what it means?"

Giles took the medallion from her and tilted it to catch the light better. A carved inscription was faintly visible on the un-melted portion. "Well this almost looks like--"

"It says 'bound by Irusan, son of Arusan.'" Dawn didn't even appear to be looking at the lump of metal. "It's Gaelic you know," she added after a moment.

There was a long, uncomfortable pause.

"Did that weird anyone else out? Because me, I'm definitely getting the creepy vibe here." Xander cautiously put the table and its wall of backpacks between him and the newcomer.

"Got to admit, I'm with you on the creepy." Willow smiled nervously as Dawn gave her a slightly betrayed look. "Sorry."

"I'm not creepy!" Dawn protested. "And it's not my fault I can read Gaelic, and that the medallion is so obviously a binding charm, and that any idiot could see that it belongs to Irusan, the King of the Cats." She rolled her eyes. "I mean, come on."

This time there was no hesitation.

After the gang finished tying Dawn to the nearest available chair, they stood back to admire their handiwork.

"Have you been practicing your knots?" 

"Why yes actually," Xander grinned at Buffy, "It's the last merit badge I need for my Slayer Scouts sash."

"I am not a demon!"

"All the same to me." Xander leaned in to tighten one of the knots then nodded in satisfaction. "And that's that. Now back to that bit about how we're going to narrowly avoid death, yet again?" He gave Giles an expectant look.

"Well, if what she said was true, I may be able to track down the identity of the demon rather easily." Giles eyed the medallion skeptically. "That's assuming that she isn't the demon, of course."

"I AM NOT A DEMON!"

"Shush you." Buffy took the medallion back. "Well if this was what that rat-thing was after, I say we use it as bait. If last night was any example, the thing hates sunlight as much as the vampires do."

"Not to beat a well-dressed horse, but what are we going to do with Miss Not-a-Demon?" Xander eyed Dawn with unease as she muttered curses and tried to wiggle out of the ropes.

"She wants vampires, we'll give her vampires." Buffy smirked as Dawn redoubled her escape efforts.

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"You want me to what?" Angel wondered if the previous night's blow to the head might have affected Buffy more than he had thought.

"Scare the living daylights out of a would-be vampire hunter." She cocked her head as she looked up at him, arms crossed. "I can draw you a diagram if you like, with lots of pointy teeth and going 'boo'."

Angel peered around the hedge at the rest of the gang, Dawn in tow, then turned back. "You're sure you can keep her from staking me?"

"Yes, that would be in the plan." Buffy uncrossed her arms. "Don't tell me you're scared of her?" The Slayer sounded vaguely offended at Angel's lack of enthusiasm.

"Of her, no. Of the indiscriminate throwing of pointy bits of wood, yes. You don't get as old as I am by needlessly taunting pointy bits of wood."

Buffy glared at him. "You're mocking me, aren't you."

"I prefer to think of it as constructive criticism."

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Kerowyn Amethyst Dawn Lewellen Sapphire Smith was not happy. In fact, she was furious. What was wrong with these people? She showed up, offered to help, and here she was being led into a graveyard at night, arms tied behind her back! They should be grateful that she bothered to help them with the medallion at all.

For a moment, she considered using her enhanced strength to break her bonds, but that would have given away her True Nature. No one must know that she was really a mystical Half-Dragon, direct descendant of Chinese Dragon King's daughter, Toyo-Tama. That would only be revealed when they fought the Big Bad, just in time for her to save the day. So she swallowed her pride and followed the scooby gang with only a few small mutterings.

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Angel had mentally prepared for the worst. True, Buffy didn't seem too concerned about the wanna-be-Slayer, but she tended to overlook anything that didn't come with a supernatural pedigree. He'd lived long enough to know that normal humans weren't always an easy snack. A stake was a stake, and he was prepared for unexpected heroics.

What he wasn't prepared for was the piercing shriek of happiness from his intended victim, who effortlessly snapped her bonds and glomphed in a bear-hug.

"Angel! It's so good to see you! You have to convince Buffy I'm on her side." There was something mesmerizing about those eyes. Those green, sparkling eyes. Those bottom-less oceans of emerald green--

"Excuse me?" Buffy looked furious. No, scratch that, Buffy was furious.

"No! Wait! I don't know her, I swear!" Angel frantically attempted to pry off the green-eyed demon and keep his beloved from reducing him to ashes. "Let me explain!" Which was stupid, really, because he had no idea how he was going to explain anything beyond 'I don't know her.' Buffy looked ready to kill and the rest of the scooby gang looked... looked... were they laughing at him? With one last desperate lunge, he escaped his attacker. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Well it's certainly not Shakespeare." Spike was lounging on the top of one of the crypts, a perch which had given him an excellent view of the action below. "But I like the way it's headed." He sat up lazily. "Come on Buffy, kill him and put him out of our misery. You know you want to."

And for a moment, Angel really thought she might.

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Somehow, that hadn't been her fault. She was sure of that. She just couldn't understand how Spike could have done something so.. so.. well, violent. True, he was a vampire, and she maybe she shouldn't have thrown herself between him and Buffy, but the Slayer just didn't understand! After all, Spike wasn't really evil, he was just misunderstood. Tall, and blonde, and devilishly cute, and so misunderstood. She was positive he really hadn't meant to snap her neck, it had just been a terrible accident. Come to think of it, she really should get back and give him another chance--

---FLASH---

Next Fandom: Highlander


	2. AotP Episode Guide

**Episode Guide for Adventures on the Pun**

Episode 00 : And So It Begins   
Episode 01 : Dawn of the Not-Quite-So-Dead -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
Episode 02 : Getting Ahead of the Plot -- Highlander (pending)


End file.
